even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
