Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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