matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
