At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
