I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think I just shit out all my problems.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
