the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
