I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
