We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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