why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
