I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You ruined the universe
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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