I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
