I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize