dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
