I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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