the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
