More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
