Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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