I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
