the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
