I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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