im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
