u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
