Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
