My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
