i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
