that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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