Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
