Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
