JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
