My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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