And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
