Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
