i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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