The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
