Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
