Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
