I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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