she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
