if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
