I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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