yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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