I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
