ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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