Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
