remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize