So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
