Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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