I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
