Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
