I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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