Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize