Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
