Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
