He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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