I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
