We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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